Hamster Wheel

We spent all day in class yesterday failing to address even a sliver of anything remotely related to Property. Instead? We got, as one of my classmates put it, a “75-minute hug.” My professor chose to spend the entire class period in what amounted to a self-esteem exercise about first semester grades and future job prospects. It was… nice.

And useful. It focused my attention all over again on how artificial the race I’m currently engaged in actually is. I’m working as hard as I can, comparing myself to everyone around me, in an effort to get a job that I know I will hate (because everyone hates corporate law firms) and is meant only to be a stepping stone to the job I really want. Well, what’s preventing me from working directly for that job I really want? Why put myself through all that stress just so I can start working in a position that will put me through even more stress?

I’m still going to be anxious and worried and disappointed about my grades, but I should be disappointed in them (and I am) because they don’t match the expectations I hold for myself and my own performance, not for what they represent about the failings of my future. I’m still doing this for the same reasons I always have (financial stability, the means to provide for the family I want, the hope for something intellectually challenging, and the chance to spend the rest of my life niggling over semantics), but there seems little reason to pursue something that doesn’t appeal to me in any respect whatsoever in order to get them. I’m going into the Office of Career Planning next week, looking to find out what it’s going to take to find the job I really want, not the one everyone else thinks I should have.

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