I feel like I got punched in the stomach.
I spent all last night awake in bed, thinking about how much I needed to go to sleep to finish off the exam this morning, and even though my body was exhausted, my mind just would not stop. It reached that point when you put off looking at the clock as long as you can, because you know that as soon as you see what time it actually is, the only thought going through your mind will be “If I can fall asleep RIGHT NOW, I can still get 3 hours of sleep before I have to wake up.” This went on until 5 this morning, at which point I gave it up as a lost cause and accepted the fact that I would be pulling an all-nighter, and not by choice.
Then the exam. A full coffee and an even fuller thermos of tea managed to keep me from falling asleep right at my keyboard, but I felt fuzzy-headed and slow throughout the entire excruciating process. The test was a misery in and of itself even if I had been at peak performance, difficult and arcane and surprisingly limited to a range of responses that constrained how much one could actually write. I have no confidence whatsoever in any prediction that I will do even reasonably well. I have no idea how I will do, at all. Of course, I won’t get to find that out until February anyway, so hello to a solid month and a half of worrying about it.
Oh, and if that wasn’t bad enough, I received confirmation that I am a thoroughly mediocre legal writer by finally getting back the final draft of my legal memo and barely making a B+ equivalent. My writing is supposed to be the one thing that helps keep me afloat here, and I cannot even do that passing well; I have even more anxieties about the Contracts and Torts exams I turned in earlier now.
A beer and a swig of champagne with some friends outside on the Law Quad did little to raise my spirits. I’m not happy with my performance at all right now. And that puts me in the odd (and unique among my friends and colleagues) position of NOT being happy that I’ve finished my first semester of law school: there is literally nothing I can do right now to mitigate what I know will be a supremely unsatisfactory set of grades. Fuck my life.