I’ve always had a tendency towards deference, towards passivity. In the past (and still sometimes in the present), I’ve avoided or refrained from voicing my opinions, my wants, in social situations out of a desire to prevent confrontation. I am almost congenitally terrified of insulting or annoying another person, and it has always been easier just to go with the flow and accept whatever he/she/they wanted instead of asserting my will. This has held true for major decisions as well as for minor choices; I’m just as likely to shrug and remain silent on the opportunity to choose what’s for dinner as I am to let someone else decide where our friendship is going. The vast majority of the time it has not been an issue: there are a number of things that I just do not have enough of a concern about to make my wishes known.
I’m starting to realize what a disservice that has been, to me and to others. I think I’ve confused a subsuming of myself with a desire/need for compromise. In law school and with Her, the recognition is (slowly, because I’m always slow to change myself, especially when it comes to my doubts and insecurities, of which there are legion) coming that I cannot do that anymore. I need to stand up for what I want. Life is too short to continually allow others to make my decisions for me, and I’m going to be a pretty terrible lawyer if I let others dictate the pace. I’m going to continue looking for compromise whenever possible, because I still believe that’s the more moral and effective way to actually get things done. But I’m also going to (and have slowly begun doing so) more assuredly assert what I want and what I believe in. This is who I am. I deserve it.